My Vagina Monologue Essays - Memory Blocks, Innocent Mind

The Violation- No child should ever have to experience the unnatural and sickening feelings of being physically and emotionally violated by any person, especially a loved one. I was still a baby, an innocent mind, a little two year old that worshiped her father. How could he do those awful things to me? This question along with others stayed with me forever and will always remain unanswered. I told my mother and the police the same thing over and over ?daddy did this to me? (gesturing the slap of my face), ?he did this to me? (grabbing my throat), ?and he did this to me? (touching my vagina). Although I can?t remember the details of the occurrences of molest and abuse, I can remember the feelings, it?s like it just happened. I still remember the room where it took place, and I remember the ugly pink hair brush he would hit me with that left horrible welts on my body. The abuse did more than hurt me, it affected me in several ways and it had a huge impact on the woman I grew to become. For example, I now suffer from memory blocks, and according to the psychologist, this is my brain trying to protect me from those detailed memories. I have lost memory of so many of the good moments in my life because of him and what he did to his only child. I am damaged. Never to be repaired, and I have carried the baggage with me throughout my life so far and I have allowed it to affect who I have become and the decisions I made thus far. This is where it all started. No Longer a Virgin- I guess I was always trying to find acceptance from boys, I tried to please them, hoping they would like me. At fourteen, I must have thought putting out would make that happen. I was never satisfied, I still felt empty. From one guy to the next, thinking something would change, but it never did. I felt worse because I was sleeping with different guys and in a cycle of letting myself be used repeatedly. I realized I was making a name for myself when Darius, this handsome older guy at my high school started writing me notes and seemed very interested. His letters were so sweet and he was extremely funny. He came over one day after school and immediately was expecting me to sleep with him. I turned him down, and he got very upset with me and left. He was fuming mad! I couldn?t believe this sweet guy was acting this way. The next day at school he wrote me this nasty note calling me a bitch and a tease because I gave it up to other guys but I wouldn?t for him. I was devastated, still fin ding nothing but disappointment in men, still only wanted for my vagina. Did I not have anything else to offer? Am I no more than my vagina? Rock Bottom- At sixteen, even though I didn?t recognize it at the time, I began to fall into a depression. My self-esteem was diminished, and I still earned for love and acceptance from men. I started drinking which only led me to more sex and subjecting myself to dangerous situations and much disappointment. I started dating Shawn, a really cute senior who seemed to like me very much. His friend was interested in meeting my girlfriend, so one Friday his friend rented a hotel room and my girlfriend and I went there to hang out. We consumed a large amount of alcohol, and I was extremely inebriated. When Shawn showed up to see me, he was disgusted by my drunken state and behavior and left me there. I was crushed. I passed out. I awoke to a strange man on top of me and he was inside me. This had to be a nightmare! I screamed and kicked to try and get him off me but he just held my wrists against the bed and kept going. I was terrified he would come inside me and I continued to yell and scream. The s creams woke my girlfriend and together we finally got this animal to